We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
