i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
True strength comes from lack of pants
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels