Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
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I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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