You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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