I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I believe in your delicious
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
