thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
