my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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