I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?