Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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