Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
