Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
