the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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