dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
