Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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