Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if only i could text you this smell
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
