where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
This is the high leading the old right now
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
