So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
