ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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