Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
