im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
