I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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