i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
