got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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