Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
