12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
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I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
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I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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