hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
