Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
