Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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