Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize