why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The best revenge is premature balding
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
