Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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