Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
