Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
