I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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