I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
