Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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