Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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