It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
