I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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