just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
