I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
