so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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