he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
