i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Even my vagina gasped.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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