i would punch a child for taco bell
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
