True but thats because hes a fetus.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
