My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize