She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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