My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
