I wish I could punch you in the face.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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