listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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