I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
