I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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